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[30 May 2006|12:09pm] |
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What is it about the future and the uncertainty surrounding it that makes my heart ache and my eyes automatically fill with tears?
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[20 May 2006|01:49pm] |
This is from a restored draft from a few weeks ago, but it's time to put it up and out.
From a week ago:
The thought of losing my best friend at Notre Dame is enough to make my stomach hurt, so I've avoided it for the past year. Alas, as my last 24 hours with him are approaching and I'm busy studying physics, I've been wondering just how I'll get by without him next year. I've always gotten along better with boys than girls: thus why there are only three girls from home I actually talk to on a regular basis, yet all my guy friends and I are just as close as ever.
And Zachary has really gotten me through a lot. He's the only person that I can be my totally horrible, uninhibited self with and he's going to be gone. If he lived near me, I could at least console myself with the fact that I'd get to see him. But I can't even give myself that. And it's different than losing Tessa or Andrea or any of my other girl friends because I know that we'll keep in touch. But Zach and I... I spend more time with him in a week than anyone. I've cried to him, gotten drunk with him, eaten lunch three days a week with him, and I know him just as well as he knows me. There are no secrets. I'm gonna miss that next year.
I don't think that ND will be the same without him. I don't think that I will be the same without him. Even now, a week after I stood outside of my dorm and bawled my eyes out for the first time in a long time, I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how my life will be without that comfort next year: the person who knew exactly how to make me laugh, even if it was by saying the most horrible things of all time.
My life is changing. My friends are changing and it's time to maybe embrace that and the fact that it is impossible to totally predict the future. I wouldn't want to, but at the same time, not knowing where it is going to take me scares the living shit out of me. Where I will be in a year, where my friends will be in a year, where the important relationships in my life will be in a year... that's all up in the air. And I guess I just want someone to tell me that it'll be ok: we'll be ok, I'll be ok. I guess that's what we're all looking for.
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| this summer |
[11 May 2006|02:40am] |
Today my boss called me and we chatted about this summer. He asked me some hypothetical questions. One of these questions was about what I will do if during the fourth session, which is for kids that either have AIDS or are HIV positive, one of them pulls me aside to talk. Instead of talking about camp or his favorite food, the boy asks me what heaven is like. He then asks the question, "why me?"
As I answered the questions as realistically as I would if they really were asked, it suddenly hit me what I'm going to be dealing with this summer.
I'm scared out of my mind.
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[27 Apr 2006|10:42pm] |
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mood |
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 grumpy |
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You know what sucks? When all your friends go out to the bars three/four nights a week and can't talk about anything but the bar and how much fun they have. Or when they complain about how they would rather go to this bar than another. And when they put up away messages that say things like, "out with my favorites." And you try to tell yourself that you're not 21 and you shouldn't feel left out, but they don't even think about how it feels to sit by yourself on a Saturday night drunk from pre-partying with your friends who are too busy with their new bar friends and going out with their "favorites" that they forget that you used to be one of the fantastic four. And as much as you try to not feel replaced, it hurts to see the person that puts you down the most and is the most self-centered person you know replace your face in pictures on the back of their computer monitors. And it sucks when she talks about "her house" that was your house before you tried out for an RA position that you really wanted, but didn't get even though you did more for the dorm than any of the other future RAs and even though your other two best friends both got the job.
Yeah, that sucks. Especially because I can't get a fake because they are so strict and I refuse to get caught. And I try to not feel left out or bitter, but at the same time, it really sucks to be out of the loop.
SIGHHHHH.
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| random writing and rambling |
[19 Apr 2006|06:54pm] |
So for weeks I've been checking my horoscope, laughing at the fact that I haven't had anything worse than a three star day in months (maybe even years). But today, alas, I have a two star day! And the funny thing is that today is the best day I've had in awhile. SOOOO this leads me once again to say that horoscopes in my school paper are crap and while, yes, they are fun, they are much more of a self-fulfilling prophesy.
ALTHOUGH... I am a libra. Right now go to google and see the characteristics of a Libra. WOW. Look. Michele. So maybe not as bullshit as I would think.
You know what makes me really happy? Talking to Mr. Cotton! I haven't talked to him for awhile, but today it was just so happy. And the other day I talked on the phone with Kev-O for awhile, which was just really exciting.
OK, I am clearly just procrastinating a little longer. I need to fill out my dental application form.
It's really funny when people introduce you to other people and then those people continue to talk to you, even when the person who intoduced you to them leaves and you're like, "ok...you were only introduced out of politeness. I don't really want to talk to you." That just happened to me. And I wish she would leave so I can "work on my paper."
I need to start being unmotivated again. It's a much easier life. Off I go to run and read about Frederick Barbarossa. HIs uncle wrote a book about him in the 12th century. I wish someone would write a book about me. Too bad my uncle can't even write coherant sentences. Although, that might make it more interesting. Then when people looked back at my biography years later they would be like, "wow... people used to be horrible writers." Yeah, that would be funny.
WOW. I'm hyper and now I'm leaving.
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[08 Apr 2006|07:54pm] |
Re: My hair
Is amazing. It's finally the perfect length and I can straighten it without it looking too long! And I've discovered the cutest hairstyle ever, which I plan to rock on multiple occasions.
Re: My friends
I can't stand hearing about the MCATs. I can't wait until they are over. But I love them, especially Andrea. I don't know what I would do without that girl.
Re: My sleep
I have not been able to sleep for the past few days. I keep having bad dreams and waking up in cold sweats. It is fairly unnerving.
Re: The Beach Dance
I don't want to dance with another boy or drink with another boy or pretend I'm having a good time with another boy. I want my boy.
Re: This is getting lame. And I don't think I'm using the "re" correctly. I don't care.
ME
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| update |
[28 Mar 2006|02:53pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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Yeah, figured it was time to give this piece a really quick update. And by quick, I of course mean that this will drag on longer than anyone wants it to. But it's my journal, so I can do whatever I want.
I got a new cell phone. It's a Razor and it is pretty. Or, let me change that, it was pretty until I lost it less than 24 hours after I got it. I haven't told the parents yet. I'm pretty much dead. Especially since I just got the new laptop three weeks ago. I'm so angry at myself.
Taylor came to visit me for a week. I'll pretend that it was just to see me and not Joe too... We saw V for Vendetta and watched Star Trek and I bit his neck. And we fed some ducks and they were really cute. And he's really cute and sometimes I look at him and just laugh because it's funny how things turn out and how lucky I feel to have someone like him in my life. It seems he came back into my life when I really needed someone amazing the most.
I also have a job for the summer which I am SOOOOO excited about. I'm working at a camp for terminally ill children as a counselor. It'll be really emotional and hard, but I am really looking forward to it just rocking my world and helping me to grow up and realize how lucky I am and use my talents to help those that really need cheering up. I just hope that I can be half as strong as they all will be. I don't want to disappoint them.
So, that's what is going on here. There obviously can be a lot more stories about everything, but that's not the here or now.
ME
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[07 Mar 2006|03:05pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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Yesterday I had this discussion about how I'm a pessimistic person... and I suddenly started to think about what made me into this bitter/cynical person that I am today. I understand it's necessary to make sure that only the best of the best rise to the top of society, but at the same time, nothing is worse than beating some one down. When I left high school, I felt like I could conquer the world. There I was, top of my class, pick of colleges, happy, and in better shape than most people. And some where in my niave mind, I assumed it would always be that way: I would rise to the top at Notre Dame, as I have every where else I've ever been. But I was wrong and now, after three years of pre-med, I am used to be continually beaten down and being mediocre. In fact, I accept it and still manage to keep my head semi-held up. Yet some how, with all these beat-downs, with the "you're worthless unless you have a 3.9 when applying to professional schools," I've forgotten who I am. The fun, the optimism, the excitement about the future....it's gone. And I look at what I have to look forward to, and I don't even care any more.
An example.... I've wanted to be an RA since the moment I walked in to Notre Dame. I nailed my interviews, I did every thing that I could have, yet I still don't think I'm gonna get it....and it annoys me that I set myself up for failure and that I actually take it and pretend that I don't want things that I've always wanted solely because I'm scared to admit that I have failed. I've failed myself in college: the girl who felt like she could be any thing. And now, I hear myself making the statements I always resented about how I might not be good enough to get the job I want this summer, about how maybe my personality is not as great as I always thought it was, and now about what I want to do with my future. It's not me not knowing....it's me beaten down, in a way that I've never been before. I don't talk in class because I doubt my ability to have creative answers. I don't want to even try to apply to dental school because the fear of not getting in and having to be beaten down for four more years scares me.
When did I become a wimp? I remember standing in the parking lot of the diner and telling some one that fear is what stops people from living passionately. I remember believing that passionately. And now? Where's the passion? Not here. The fear has taken over. And I hate it.
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[01 Mar 2006|12:02am] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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Is it wrong to think about the past and wonder what could have been if you were older and wiser?
Is it wrong to miss some one that you really shouldn't?
Is it wrong to be unsure about every thing around you?
Because if it is, I'm screwed and I'm going to hell.
SIGH.
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[24 Feb 2006|01:54am] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
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I wouldn't normally share this, but here it is because I think that it's something that should be shared:
Do you believe in signs....things that God send to you to let you know where you are right or wrong? In a time when I don't know what I believe in, signs are definitely one of the things that I do still look for. Back when I still believed in fate, I might say that things were supposed to happen the way they were planned to, so signs would do nothing because things were already in motion. Now, I don't know about fate and I don't know about my life, but I do know that there are signs around me and not just stupid ones. For example, I don't believe that because I see a scale with some one's name on it that that means we're going to be together forever or some thing stupid like that, but I do think that God talks to us in mysterious ways.
There's something wrong with me this week. I don't know what it is, but I keep having the urge to cry. So tonight, after having a perfectly wonderful day, I felt really bad for some reason and alone in this world. I put on my running clothes and my running shoes for the first time in months and I got ready to run because, for some reason, I thought that this was something that would make me finally feel better. I lightly jogged down to the grotto and lit my two candles in their spots and I got on my knees and was alll alone. And I asked God to tell me what to do with my life and to give me a sign. As I sat there, I didn't feel much better, so I went to my favorite spot and just sat there looking at the grotto and the dome and listening to my favorite Stephen Speaks song on repeat. And then I started to cry and just lay there in a ball wishing I could run and be happy again.
So as this is happening, I'm still searching for some thing. I don't know what it is I'm searching for, but it's some thing. So I take my IPOD and I turn the dial really fast and just hit some random buttons and think, "this next song is going to speak to me." It comes on. It is the song "Take Me To Your Leader" by the Newsboys. God spoke. I think it's time I finally listened.
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| stalkerness |
[21 Feb 2006|06:06pm] |
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mood |
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Some times I will get reallly bored and just kinda keep hitting the "friends" key on a few people from my friends list. And there are some really interesting people that I am maybe two or three people removed from and that I wish that I could really get to know. But then I think how creepy this is that I know so much about other people's lives. I mean, in reality, I guess we all have some stalker in us and that people probably know far more about me than I think they do. What I wonder is how much about me one can actually get from my journal. I don't really write about deep issues unless it is about getting my heart broken. Who reads this and wishes that they knew me? Or maybe no one reads this that I don't know about and maybe I'm just being stupid.
I also wonder who looks at the pictures I have up on webshots. Every week I get an email telling me about the tons of people looking at them and it makes me wonder who the hell these people are and why we can't just be friends.
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| Sad songs in my head |
[17 Feb 2006|01:11pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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A few non-related things:
I've been in this really weird funk this week. I don't feel like talking to people or being productive or doing any thing. I've watched four movies this week. I maybe watch four movies in half a semester. That's pretty ridiculous.
You know what annoys me? People with mothers who think that it is ok to tell their daughters that they should lose weight and put more effort into how they look. Last night I found out that one of my friend's mothers made her get liposuction because her thighs were "too fat." In a world dominated my eating disorders and both women and men who think that they are too fat and not perfect enough, why should one's own parents add to this misery and aid their daughter in hating herself? Hearing things like this really makes me thankful for my parents and happy that they never once put pressure on me to look or behave a certain way. I do enough of that on my own.
JPW this weekend! YAY! That's exciting, especially after all the long hours our committee has dedicated to it already.
That's all.
Oh no it isn't. GO JOHN. Keep your fingers crossed for him.
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| A year |
[07 Feb 2006|12:41pm] |
This weekend really got me thinking about how much things can change in a year and how unpredictable life really is.
A year ago I was going to be a dentist. I had just won another Superbowl bet with Kevin and I was in the middle of getting my heart broken in two, to never fully be repaired again. This week a year ago was the day that I ran 15 miles all at once, that I lost over 15 pounds in a course of a month over a boy who made me cry every day with his broken promises and inability to see the worth that I used to be able to see. February 2005 was the worst month of my entire life and I felt alone, like no one cared, and that there would be no sun in the horizon. This feeling continued for months until I realized that the worth that I had seen was not as great as I had imagined and that I was better off.
A year ago I would not have imagined that I would no longer want to be a dentist. That I would not make this year's Superbowl bet with Kevin because he never called me back for some unknown reason. And that I would not be able to run any more because all of the damage I did to my knee after pounding it for months with my anger and hurt over my heartache. But more importantly, I could not have imagined that I would be so happy with some one so random and unexpected from my past. It still boggles my mind how much can change in a year....how much one can learn and forgive and learn to trust finally once more.
I wish that I could tell this to Toy and she would understand that heartaches hurt a lot, but getting through them is the best feeling in the world and some thing that no one can ever take away from you because no one else can ever go through it like you did. And I wish that I could hurt the bastard for breaking her heart, as I'm sure she wanted to hurt Mike for hurting me. But, at the same time, she will grow and when the next one comes a ong, it'll mean so much more. I can attest to that.
I sit here and I wonder what will happen to my friends in a year, what will continue to happen for me in a year, and if a year can change life so much, how can I even predict what I want to do and where I want to be in more than a year? What about ten years? Will I even look in the mirror and be remotely the same person that I am today?
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[02 Feb 2006|02:31am] |
This was a bad week.
I'm so excited that it is going to be done after my 9:30 class tomorrow.
I have my first of many interviews tomorrow.
There is this amazing feeling of happiness that has come over me this past week.
I have decided what I want to do with my summer and what my creative project for my application is going to be.
I have never wanted to do something more....
And then on top of it all, I'm seeing HIM in less than 18 hours!
WOW. I am such a freaking girl.
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| Franzia Fest |
[22 Jan 2006|03:05pm] |
Just so that you all know, my brother is awesome and yesterday he pinned the only guy in the state that could beat him to win his wrestling tournament. He's going to win states and place in New Englands and when he does, remember you heard it here first. I lurrrrrrrve and miss him.
Last night was Franzia Fest. For those of you who have not had the immense privilege of witnessing or participating in one of these things...the rules are as so: There are five people to a team. There is one five-liter box of wine per team. You fill up your glasses and once some one tells you to start (in our case, Brendan), you race to see who will be the first team to chug all the wine. There were 7 teams last evening.
You would think that a usually rational human being would be able to figure out that that is about a liter of wine per person. If this rational person were say me, you would think that I would know that I can drink and chug quicker than anyone, so I would be drinking more than a liter of wine. I should have also been able to figure out that I am a light weight and do not drink regularly enough to participate. But, clearly I am not a rational person. And clearly I am very competitive and like to kick people's asses. The long and short of it is that I chugged A LOT. Very quickly. And I was good for about twenty minutes. And then the world started to spin, I talked to my boyfriend for 45 minutes and don't remember a word of the conversation (mind you, this boyfriend of mine was SOBER). I came back and passed out in the hallway outside my room for an HOUR. And then I got sick. For the first time ever. In fact, this was the worst I've ever been.
I'm a grand ass some times. And, yeah, I do know that I shouldn't have done it and I don't know why it was a good idea at the time. I can say it was fun. And it was nice to bond with my girls and hang out with the Stanford guys. But I should also know myself and know that I don't like to drink just to get drunk. Franzia Fest was clearly to get drunk. But, whatever, you live, you learn, and now I can no longer say that my stomach is the stomach of steel.
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| This thing is annual now, I guess |
[03 Jan 2006|01:29am] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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So I did it last year, so I figured I might as well do it again this year. You know...start a tradition.
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? ran 15 miles and seriously trained for a marathon. before I had never run anything over 4.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I definitely didn't keep my resolution to go to Church every week. I should have known that was a lost cause. This year...sure. I always make them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? no
5. Where did you visit? chicago, north carolina, massachusetts, ohio, pennsylvania, indiana, michigan (so obviously no where)
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? self-confidence to not let how others behave change the way I feel about myself
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 15 will because it was the USC game, which was definitely the best football game I've ever been to. Plus, Taylor was visiting and I was really excited to see him *girly, I know* Also, the night of the engineering party. Most fun I've ever had going out.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? not letting people get to me as much
9. What was your biggest failure? the whole way I handled the mike situation. before, during, and after.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? damn knee and sciatica
11. What was the best thing you bought? my relient k CD or my red fuzzy sweater
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Zachary
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? gee...let's think about this one. mike, for one. both of my roommates this semester.
14. Where did most of your money go? food...probably Dunkin Donuts mostly (this is word for word from last year too btw)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? the USC game, coming home for Christmas
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? "Collide." I can tell you exactly what I was doing when I heard it the first time and how I reacted, but you'd have to ask.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? happier.
.ii. Thinner or fatter? fatter because of my injury.
iii. Richer or poorer? the same probably
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? stood up for myself or realized my potential.
9. What do you wish you'd done less of? let my roommates bother me
20. How did you spend Christmas? with my fam in the morning and I did a lot of sudukus and then ed and kris' with my kids where I drank too much wine and discussed my future far too much and then taylor came over and wore his reindeer sweater and we watched freaks and geeks.
21. Who/what made the biggest difference in your life this year? honestly, event wise the mike thing really made a huge difference and changed me more than I can even begin to describe. people wise...probably tessa and zachary. and my family. being with them helped me remember the person I used to like a lot and finally do again now.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? Some one once told me if it felt like love, then why wouldn't you call it love? So, yeah, but I was in love with Mike way before we ever were official, so that stemmed into 2004. But I have no feelings for him at all any more. I don't even look at it with regret or wish it would have worked out better. I'm far happier with things the way they are now.
23. How many one-night stands? two
24. What was your favorite TV program? Desperate Housewives and Reunion before it was discontinued.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people.
26. What was the best book you read? The Kite Runner
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? hmmmm... bayside or relient k, I guess. or marking twain. hahahahhahahaha.
28. What did you want and get? the stamina to run really fast for awhile and to know what it was like to have my body feel that good and me be in such good shape
29. What did you want and not get? my chicago marathon.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? I have no idea.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 20 and Emilie and I watched our first episode of Desperate Housewives because I decided to for once spend the money that my grandma got me. Then all my friends took me out to dinner and embarrassed me and got me yummy cake and we watched Memento and a bunch of people talked to me on the phone and I went on a nice run.
32. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? if I could still run
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? colored shoes and lots of chokers, or dog collars as mr. zachary calls them
34. What kept you sane? running and drew and finally having a good football team
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? not my thing.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? haha. not even gonna answer that one.
37. Who did you miss? my family, zachary during the summer, chris cotton, and during this past semester my taylor.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Drew...what a good "friend"
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005? That I can't base my worth on how hurt I am and that I can't give up my faith in the human race and in the goodness of people just because I've been kicked and have never felt worse. there are still good people out there, even if they are often masked by the stupidity of all the ones who are not worth my time.
40. Quote a song lyric chunk or poem that sums up your year: there are way too many....
Ok. that was long and I wrote way too much for some of these questions. So now I'm going to bed.
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| I will pay you to shoot me...seriously |
[27 Dec 2005|07:18pm] |
The pessism of my extended family really makes me want to jump off a bridge. I really cannot stand to be around them for more than several hours. It's this all-consuming negativity that just envelops my very being and makes me literally want to hurl myself off a bridge. And as much as I want to call Matteo up and make him cheer me up or go see a movie with Stef, there's this guilt that makes me stay at my house with them. I tell myself that my grandmother is getting old and may die soon, so I should spend every avialable chance with her.
Yet how can I be expected to be nice and polite and pretend that I want to spend time with people that ignored me for the first eighteen years of my life? So you buy me nice things now and act like you are really proud of me, but how much do you actually know about me as a person? Do you know that I used to come home and cry every time that we left your house because you made me feel like I was disgusting with your insults? Do you know that I never wanted your material gifts... I just wanted you to look me in the eye when you said you were proud of me?
I think that the party I went to last night with my aunt and grandmother really demonstrates their lack of knowing me. There we were in front of 20 other people and my grandmother kept wrapping her arm around me and saying, " my granddaughter goes to notre dame. she set the school record in that butterfly when she was in high school. blah blah blah blah." If they knew me, they would know that nothing makes me more uncomfortable than talking about things that I've done or want to do. Especially because it was all a stupid act. And ESPECIALLY because if they care so much about me, they should pick up a phone instead of always expecting me to do it. A relationship works two ways. And I've had my fill of hurt from them. I've shed my fucking tears over them not caring...about me trying so hard to please them. I wonder why my dad never talks and keeps to himself. I blame it on them. I'm lucky he's so normal.
I wish that I could express this to any one besides a stupid computer, but instead I put on the fake smile and when people ask me how I am today, I tell them I'm great. I tell them that visiting my relatives was fun. Maybe because there's this small part of me that thinks that she really has changed and that she really can love me for who I am. But she never will. Self-centeredness doesn't go away. I guess what scares me the most is that I don't want to be her some day. And I just hope that I never treat some one like they have treated me.
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| home time! |
[16 Dec 2005|01:19am] |
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mood |
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jubilant |
] |
In less than 48 hours I will be home and I'm SOOOO excited. I plan to watch tons of television and spend an entire day in my pajamas and watch elf with John three times in a row (yes, it happened last year) and decorate my Christmas tree. And then I'll see all my friends and Manda and I will have a major sleepover and catch up. Stef and Eve too. And Lauren and I will watch the OC DVDs and I can make all my friends addicted to Desperate Housewives. Amanda, Carline, and I will have a CD burning party and I'll drag Kev Rhombus to all John's wrestling matches. And Matt and I will get drunk and talk about all the people in this world that suck for an entire night. And John can come into my room in the morning and just get into bed next to me and we can waste hours just laying there, not talking about anything, but reading eachother's minds. And my dad and I will have deep philosophical conversations and I'll let my mom drag me away some where for a day. And I'll see my Taylor and we'll do our entire list and I will make him cuddle with me to get it out of my system.
I can't wait to go home and smell the familiar smells and be around the people I love most. And although in typical me fashion I will not do every thing I have planned to do, I have a WHOLE MONTH. A whole month to get ready for coming back here and having things change around me beyond my control. For a whole month I'm not gonna think about it and I'm gonna work on relaxing during my favorite season of the entire year with my favorite people in the entire world. And it is going to be great. I cannot say that enough. Because it has to be great for John's sake and for Matt's sake and for every one that needs major cheering up.
To sum it up: I'm going home! And I'm excited!!
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| Just for kicks |
[11 Dec 2005|07:34pm] |
OK. It really annoys me when people talk in the library. Since we've been in second grade, we've learned that the library is a QUIET place. Where is the ornery old librarian to yell at these people now? Is there not one quiet place? ERRRR...
Emilie, Andrea, and I have a sheet where we write swear words whenever we feel that it is necessary. It's called the "Fuck Sheet." And we have bright colored markers. Good times.
Only five more days. Mantra it up, baby.
The end.
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| home |
[03 Dec 2005|02:30pm] |
I really, really, really want to go home right about now and skip the last two weeks of school. Yes, I know my final schedule is a lot better than it's been in the past, but the thought of trying to act motivated just makes me even less motivated. If that makes any sense at all. I just want to cuddle. Mmmmm cuddling. And stay up all night talking with my girls because I miss them.
It would be perfect if my friends from home could just come here. And if Tessa didn't have to leave. I really do not know what I'll do without her. For serious.
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cookiemonster08's journal